ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
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(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.