Don’t we all.
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Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Realize this:
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream