Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
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I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph