5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
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I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.