I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
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Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I’m listening
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”