Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
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“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Worlds greatest photobomb
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
everyone’s a critic
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said