Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
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me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.