Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
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364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???