*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
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I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Spotted in New Orleans.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.