I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
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Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Crying is a sign of leakness.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.