“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
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My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Meanwhile in Canada…
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.