I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
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[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
goldfish mafia
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.