ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
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i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul