If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
i will avenge u mr van gogh