I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
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As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.