To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
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doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Oh my god
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.