To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST![]()
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My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
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My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
The Joker was right
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
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Covid like
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The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
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just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.