Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
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Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.