Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
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I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already