I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
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When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
<—- homeless romantic
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”