<—- homeless romantic
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CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so