Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
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friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living