People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
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If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Hotels are back
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.