My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
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Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Monday
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Bobby pin
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*