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ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
wut hotdog?
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.