canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
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I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
i’m still crying at this
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Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
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How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.