canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
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I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I love art.
Happy Star Wars day!
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.