[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
You Might Also Like
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.