My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
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My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.