My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
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I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Air pods looking like an angry frog
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.