in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
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[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u