[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
You Might Also Like
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.