When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
You Might Also Like
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”