Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
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My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Sing it!
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends