Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
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How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
This is my pinned tweet
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If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
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The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Otters see a butterfly.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.