Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
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Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.