Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
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*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
This is the best one I’ve seen
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”