9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
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Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it