Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
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Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.