If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
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Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental