Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
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You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
*Inspirational Tweets*
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
forgive me baja for i have blast