Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
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Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”