The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
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Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I鈥檓 sure somebody somewhere did.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
At this point I鈥檇 just like to have my winter body back.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don鈥檛 have
a peaching knife.
I鈥檓 watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.馃槩
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
friend: [texting] i鈥檓 gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it鈥檚 me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.