Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
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I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?