Not sure how to cuddle propawly
đź“ą absolute_kaos1 | IG
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who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I have a type: disappointing
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Lmao
guys I’m going home