I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
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On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!