It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
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I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”