Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
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“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.