Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
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where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…