My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
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MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No