How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
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One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Livid.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?