chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
You Might Also Like
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
#damn
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.