@ch000ch
@SirEviscerate *dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
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@SirEviscerate 
@desiboho Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
@donni I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
@MarfSalvador [Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
@NewAmsterdam143 The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
@NickLMao1 How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
@Midgetspar If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
@bossy_bootz Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
@HatfieldAnne When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
@TheBoydP Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?