accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
You Might Also Like
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.