@ch000ch

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

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@SirEviscerate

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

@desiboho

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

@donni

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

@MarfSalvador

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

@NickLMao1

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

@Midgetspar

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

@bossy_bootz

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

@HatfieldAnne

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

@TheBoydP

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?