accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

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*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…


Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”


I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.


[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?


How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.


If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”


Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min


When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.


Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?