Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
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The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok