annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
You Might Also Like
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Never ghost your hitman.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat